Journal Entry: Friday, Oct 14, 2022, 6:00 a.m.
I’m at peace this morning. I love this feeling. Except it’s not a feeling, really. It’s a state. A state of being.
It’s difficult to put together the right words to describe being “at peace.” But the image I have is an unpredictable ocean whose surface is undisturbed.
Maybe just the night before, those calm, still waters were stirred up from the depths or by outside forces, tossed into magnificent, angry waves. The surface was in chaos and turmoil.
And then, suddenly, peace.
That same angry ocean the next morning has a surface as smooth and still as a pane of glass. So quiet and still, it seems as though I could walk across it.
Seagulls fly overhead, breezing along on gentle currents of air invisible to the naked eye, wind so gentle the water below doesn’t notice.
Skies are crystal blue, the sun radiant warm.
A picture of Peace. Total and complete Peace.
I have been pursuing that peace of mind nearly my entire life, at least as far back as I can remember, back to early childhood.
Tool: Accepting Impermanence
One of the ways I give myself an advantage in my pursuit of peace is through meditation. I’m not consistent with it right now, but when I am practicing regularly, my mind and spirit are able to not just weather, but transcend the stressors in my life, which are many. Whether it’s the stress inherent in my “day job,” or my ever-present concerns about loved ones, money, or retirement, I don’t feel that familiar tightening of my chest and shoulders, I don’t hear myself muttering and swearing under my breath, and I don’t forget to breathe. I have a higher threshold for stress, I would say. Certainly for anxiety.
The way I was first introduced to meditation a month ago through a Calm video on YouTube. Once I experienced the state of quieting my mind, being fully present in that moment, feeling my self in my skin, and tuning out (however briefly at first) the many sensory distractions, I wanted more. I’ve been using Calm to meditate ever since, when I’m not listening to meditative sonic landscapes on YouTube and guiding my own meditation.
This morning’s Daily Calm practice was Day 5 of a series titled “Calming Anxiety.”
The meditation is called “The Nature of Change.” (The meditation in this video is the same teaching, but a different one.)
Tamara — the narrator — spoke gently, in her soothing voice, about how everything has a beginning and an end. All is impermanent.
Thinking about the impermanent nature of everything made me anxious. Right there during a meditation!
I don’t want to be reminded of that, and I certainly don’t want to dwell or meditate on it. I took a deep breath and sent that stressor on its way, like a cloud floating overhead. It tried to sneak back in but I sent it off again.
“This too shall pass.”
I breathed deeply again, filling my lungs slowly until they were full, holding, then slowly releasing until there was no breath left to exhale. Sensations come and go, too. Emotions come and go.
Anxiety and heartbreak pass.
Tamara talked next about acceptance, in this case accepting impermanence. She said accepting the impermanence of everything actually helps us to move through stormy seas.
“This too shall pass.”
Because like it always does, this storm will eventually pass. Turmoil and chaos will be quieted. Fear of the outcome will culminate in whatever the outcome will be.
Perhaps the shore will look a little different. Perhaps storm debris will become part of the landscape.
But all will be calm. Peace will return.
